Okay, so apparently Australia will have an election soon. How was I to know?
I mean, there has been an abundance of poorly designed political advertisements. There was that oddly insistent letter from the Australian Electoral Commission that followed me across three households. Also, there are those quaint banners around town telling me to pick a colour (either red, green or blue).
But, what really clued me into the fact that there will soon be an election is that there was a political debate. Moreover, it was on multiple television channels. Much moreover, the time of the debate was altered so as not to interfere with the final television episode of something called a ‘master chief’.
So, seeing as how there was nothing good on television (for the first time in Australia’s history, no doubt), I decided to follow the debate on twitter. Not with any serious intent or hardcore political analysis. Just to see what passes for ‘informed’ political debate nowadays.
What follows is my collection of the best twitter updates I could find relating to the debate. Hopefully this will demonstrate what policies an Australian government should follow.
Or, you know, how stupid ‘consultative’ democracy can be.
It’s good to see that, those following along at home, were able to read between the lines.
dirty word
Those in the audience, however…
chumps and chimps in the audience
Now, it would be remiss of Australian audiences to not engage in our national past time during the debate.
To go along with national pride and past times…
After a while, it appeared as though people following on twitter got bored. I can’t understand why.
Then things turned personal…
I saved these for last, although I tried to have the posts listed in a semblance of chronology. I apologise if these posts seem crass, but Australian politicians have to show they have a sense of humour.
Finally, politicians have to deny, deny, deny that they are whores. Even if, deep down, they really are whores. Or, you know, they like whores.
Voila. That is the compiled reaction of the Australian ‘public’ to the first debate. Oh, did I forget to mention that? The debate was the first of THREE! Honestly, I’m not sure I can physically endure another two hours of quality Australian television.
Unless, you know, it’s ‘master chief’.
Watching the debate, a couple of things became apparent to me. I use the term “watching” very loosely – I was on Thembu’s couch three quarters asleep and waiting for Masterchef. In fact, the debate interfered with my dreams and Julia Gillard was in Thembu’s dining room and I had to sneak around and feign interest while trying to get a diet coke. I was also on a break from a training session at work so didn’t have all the time in the world, and it was kind of a relief that there was so much dry talking and Julia Gillard sounding like a bogan Sesame Street big bird that nobody paid much heed to what I was doing. Anyway, I was talking about the debate, and the main points I got from at as a not so avid viewer, I suspect like much of the nation.
1. Politicians still hate immigrants. It doesn’t matter how they try to phrase it, they just don’t like our international neighbours. And as good Australian television has taught us, everybody needs good neighbours.
2. Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott should watch more “Neighbours”.
3. Even the laziest viewer doesn’t need someone like “The Chaser”, “The 7pm Project” or talkback radio to ridicule the amount of times a good ol’ Aussie cliche is used. All I heard the entire time was “fair dinkum this” and “fair dinkum that”. Seriously guys, is that all you think Australian voters make of your campaign? That the number of times you use a particular phrase, the more the public will think of you?
4. Well, I guess they’re right. Nothing like a drinking game to make politics interesting.
5. If politics can only be made bearable by copious amounts of tequila, does that say more about the public, or their leaders?
6. At least our two potential bosses are united in their disdain for immigrants, and have an equal fight on their hands on how best to keep them out. I suggest something like the Great Emperor Nasi Goreng’s Great Wall. Worked wonders in keeping the rabbits out.
7. While watching Masterchef, I saw an ad spoken by JG come on, and couldn’t believe how she subscribed to yet another cliche: a book shelf in the background, an Australian flag to her right, and a fake plant to her left. Seriously Jules, who do you think you’re kidding?
8. Unless there’s a bar at each polling station, I’m not sure voters will know who they meant to vote for. Come to think of it, maybe they will have forgotten.
9. Thembu is watching “Masterchef” anyway.
I don’t know what I could possibly have to look forward to for the next debate. As novel as the worm was the first time I saw a debate, that novelty has long since warn off. Perhaps I’ll have to set Masterchef re-runs to play at 7:30 each Sunday night. Then again, the only reason I’m home at all tonight is the Masterchef finale.
Last time I voted I drew one of the best sketches I’ve ever done, and then had to put it in that little box. Damn, hey? It’s that or the Fishing Party.
Ha. I like to write my own name on the ballot or vote below the line and take up a polling booth for an hour.